Wow, i cooked a proper meal today. What an achievement! Although this home cook food is not healthy at all, with extra oil and extremely salty. I guess it is not bad for a first timer, as i didnt burn the whole kitchen down.

Things i learned:

1. Never throw a fish into a frying pan. This could cause a pool of oil.
   
2. Never try toflip a fish when u are a yard away from the pan, u cant flip it.
   
3. Wear gloves and cover your hand when you are frying a pan.
4. Never let my sister cook. She tends to throw everytying in, salt, soya sauce, oyster sauce, pati ayam....apparently to add taste.
   
5. Never trust her when it comes to cooking.Lousy pandu puteri.
6. Try not to make a mess out of the kitchen.

Definitely this is one of the worst meal i eaten.Hopefully i dont grow skinnier in this one month. It is impossible to gain weight. And i seriously have to gain weight, just in case i really go Australia next year. I dont want to get blown away by the wind. It almost happened to my sister, she felt like she was going to fly, and she is heavier than me.

It was last year since i last blogged. I guess my old sickness is back; too lazy to blog. Well, i did not see the need to blog. I do not need to release any suppressed anger or tension, unlike last year. And i am sort of too occupied with college, with the work and everyting.

When i started college this year, i felt i was rushing through it. A part of me felt like starting college, but another part of me felt like waiting and chilling. I needed more time to relax after SPM(can't consider the one month after SPM, i was busy most of the time). I needed more time to recoup. i ignored the feeling. But this feeling became stronger when the tests came. I felt lost and stress again, i felt like quiting everything and just do nothing. Obviously there is no way my dad would let me do it. One thing i was sure that the 4 Dec deja vu left an impact on me. But one way or another, i need to confront this feeling. I guess this only was to succumb this fear is on the March 12. Everything will have to end then.


Sam is calling everyone 'lansi'. Wonder when she started with that word. I was another victim of her besides F. I was innocent and did nothing.
S: I need one more mark. You spare me one mark la.
L: Take lo. Doesn't matter.
S: Not that it is possible anyway.
Next thing i know it she is telling everyone about this. You do the judging, am i 'lansi'?
(0mission or change of words shall be excused)

Old habits die hard. I agree with this saying. Sam habit of promoting my marks to everyone in CBN has been brought to Taylors. She is still promoting my marks for me. NO! Worst of all, she is not in my class, so now her class knows everything. Even my classmates dont make such a big deal over it.

I guess in life there always will be disappointment.No one life can be perfect.No one could win everything.There's always ups and downs.

Somehow i just feel disappointed that i didn't get what i wanted.Fine.Maybe i was not so eager or desperate to get it.But i did put in the effort.I can't help to feel disappointed and anger rising inside me.I just feel pissed.Maybe this certain someone did contributed to it subconciously.And maybe it's also i know that i can't get my scholarship(JPA) based on my SPM results,since i bloody screwed up the papers.And my hopes for getting straight A1's diminished the day i ended my SPM.

I admit I am skinny.When went to white river rafting in Sabah,the current was so strong that i could not even stand on the water.I kept tripping.The guy in charged had to hold me and dragged me over to the mmiddle of the stream.I know i was light but not that light.

But Sabah was fun.It was cold at least.When i came back to KL,it was hot hot hot all over again.

This whole week had been hectic for many of us.Jill,Seok,Fern and I weren't at home most of time.Jill and Fern went to Genting early of this week,followed by Penang while Seok went Genting with them then went to the Petronas EduCamp.While I went to the Petronas EduCamp then Penang with Jill,Fern and Sam.It was kinda sad that Seok didnt get to come with us to Penang because of the camp but scholarship more important.We had loads of fun though.

10-12 December 2006
I went for the Petronas EduCamp in Universiti Teknologi Petronas(UTP) in Tronoh,Perak(some secluded area which i guess none of you all heard of).UTP was really big.You would not have expected that such a building would exist in that secluded area.The buildings were immense and nice.On the other hand,going to an educamp a week after SPM was not the best idea.=s We had to stay in the hostel,infest with insects and bugs.Yuck,disgusting.And worst,they had no hot water.It was really cold bathing in the morning,7am.4 other CBNers were there too.YL,Jean,Azhan,and Sang.Everyone was so enthusiastic about this camp.

First day was group acticity,where we were seperated into groups.All 5 of us were in different groups.We made our logo,motto and name.Then we were required to think out of the box,and think the many usage of a fire extinguisher,which the answers were absurd.Then we took this test where we were suppose to assume we were lost in a desert and the nearest camp is 70 miles away.We were to number the importance of each item.Based on that we could have an idea whether we were going to survive or not in that desert.All of us K.O. and would die in that desert.Then at night we were to tell a story about our success(non academic).I talked about our class drama,about the conflicts and everything.

Second day was boring.We had to take an English Proficiency Test,listen to some career talk and take a critical thinking test.It was like SPM all over again.And it was only 1 week after SPM.Third day was my interview.I wore a skirt and blouse.I just realised it has been a long time since i actually wore a skirt.Years actually.Wow.Can't believe that.

I came home just in time for my mom's birthday.13th of Decemeber.It was an one day gap before i leave to Penang.Hectic.I had to go to Taylors to settle the first semester payment,pack my luggage and go Sunway for dinner.

14-16 December 2006
Penang was really fun.We were at the beach and the pool most of the time.While Jill wanted a tan(which she did got her tan) i got burned!Fine i am Candle Princess(Puteri Lilin).I don't like sun burn.It is just painful.It was hilarrious though.We were migrating from one chair to another just to avoid the sun while playing 'Cho Tai Di'(we got addicted to that card game).

Then we sat on the banana boat,"heong jiu shuin".We had loads of fun on that.Fearing that there are loads of jellyfish in the sea,we were so afraid that the boat will capsize that we were screaming and shouting when we were turning like some mad person.Come to think of it,it was funny and dumb but thrilling.No regrets going on that.We also found this place filled with rocks in the shades at the beach.It sort of became our spot and they(Jill,Sam and fern) was camwhoring as usual in their bikini.I was the only one without a bikini.

In this trip,Fern had many of her 'first times'.It was her first time sitting on the banana boat,first time playing fooseball and first time playing Bishi Bashi(i think),and got really confused with all the buttons.We also played hours of 'Cho Tai Di' and few games of Life,but managed to complete 2 games only.In the game of Life,Jill was a realy rich policeofficer who broke the laws,while I was a bankrupt travel agent,earning 90k and owing people money.How saddening.I don't care, Jill,we have to play another time,hopefully you aren't so lucky.And I would keep my mouth shut for Sam before she kills me.We should also refrain from all the vulgar language ya.

I really hope that Penang trip would never end.We didn't even get to finish our gossip session.This just made me miss high school life and i don't want it to end.I want turn back time.But that's not possible.Would just appreciate the time we had.

I can't believe we just finished SPM 2 weeks ago.I feel like SPM was over months,ages ago.I feel so free.....

4 December 2006
A date to remember for life.A day where happiness was crushed with disappointment,just within an hour.This date was the day where all the form 5 Science stream student could shout,"Merdeka" with a shout of relief and exuberant.

Yet i was not even ecstatic when the other block was shouting and screaming their head off,or when they announced it was time to collect the paper.A wave of fear just ran through,and when i passed up my paper,i knew that i was screwed.I messed up the whole Biology paper 3.With my hopes of actually scoring in Biology just crushed,i went home,feeling distraught and down in the dumps.

What a way to celebrate the last day of a tiring day!What a way to conclude the whole year!What a way to end my schooling life!11 years of study! Wow,how devastating.

To those who just finished their SPM today,dont let my blog affect you.Go have a blast and enjoy your freedom to the max.


I feel more closer to you than ever.I feel that i have this bond with you that cannot be replaced.Yet somehow,there's just this gap between us which cannot be overcomed.I feel lost and confused at times.Feel like letting go,yet i cant.

As school is coming to an end, everything is just changing so drastically.It is obvious everyone is changing,maybe it is just the exam stress,maybe it is just temporary,it will be over after the exams are over.*Hopefully* The chances of things to stay the same as the old times are fading,i am losing confidence in it.

Everyone is a hyprocrite.All of us are.The only difference is whether it is in a good way or in a bad way.Some would pretend to be friend and later backstabbed you.While some,in a good way,would always put up a nonchalant,pretending that everything is alright,while there is something inside waiting to burst out to not burden the others.They would hid their feelings,and remain their composure.

I am just tired.Pretending on the surface that nothing happened when there is practically a war going inside me.I need to let it out,but whats the use?As Jill said,'Dont burden other people!They already have so many things in mind,the least you could do is not to add to the pile.' I just could not agree more.Everyone is going through the same phase.So what makes me different?

I just have to hope i have the will to survive this hurdle.

Everyone is in the doldrums,feeling blue and down,not forgetting the frustration,the disappointment.Dont be surprised,this is the after-effects of our Trials.It usually happens to everyone after every exam,but this happened to be the worst one of all,maybe because its the 'Trials'.With this,you can know actually where you stand,knowing you own capabilities and the possible A's you might get in SPM,the chance to grab a good scholarship.

People tells me i have no right to complain about my results,with all the A's and everything.But please remember i am still human.Human are greedy creatures,who just yearns for more than they could chunk in,they tend to bite off more than they could chew and the disappointment that comes after it can be rather unbearable.They strive and yearn for the best and want the best too.This inevitably leads to competition,comparing one to another.Which later,often leads to some irrational actions.

I never did and never will deny that i can be rather competitive at times.Although i didn't expect that much of it,but there was still this disappointment sometimes.There is always this feeling that i could have done better than this,this is not good enough.Yes some people might get lower,but that doesnt mean i must be content with what i have.Being all disconsolated,the last thing i need is someone making comments about how i am suppose to be satisfied with what i have.Well,in real fact i am not.I just can't put on a face and nonchalantly said i am.I JUST CANT! Sorry if i don't care about other people's feelings,i have mine to care about.

I never felt so frustrated being beaten by someone in a particular subject before.But when i knew my marks,the fire in my heart just flared up.I just could not help it but feel frustrated with myself for not beating you.I could not accept that fact.My anger just went out of control.All i know was that i was pissed.I really dont know why i really mind about you beating me.Maybe it is because of the past,plus what you are doing in the present.For the other subjects,there is the disappointment but not the frustration.Yes,i got to admit,the urge and adrenaline of beating everyone is strong in me.It is plain glory and satisfying,maybe i am greedy,but who does not want that,especially if you are just one,two marks away from the top and it is due to my hard work not because of some 'connections' and extra 'tips'.

No one is flawless.I tend to be greedy,competitive,rather egoistic at times too.And i can't deny it.You have to accept who I am.I know you are sad too,but that gives you no right to snap at me too.And yes,although my marks was not ideal,gives me no right to call someone a 'b****' too.I sincerly apologise to her.

So many people told me that i should ignore and not care about other people.But i can't.It is just inside me.I am in quandary.I am telling myself not to care,but i do.I tried to ignore but fail to do so.I try to be sanguine,but i am still a pessimist.'Ignorance is a bliss','Dont look at other papers','You will show them at the real thing','it is either you let go now or after SPM,why take the longer route and torture yourself more','Karma,they will get what they want','You have to try to ignore,tell if you need to','Those who cheat are dumb','Just let it go'.So many advice but nothing seem to go through my thick,hard skull.