It's been 5 months since i even blogged.Not surprising,not that i am the kind who actually blogs,n0ot even once a month.No idea why i have the sudden urge to blog today.but i needed to let out my feelings somehow.Tried blasting to the radio,listening to music,hitting walls.Nothing really works,wanting to shout too but ,nay,people will think im crazy.Im not the kind who cries too,so definitely not my way of expressing my feelings.
This week our exams started and it didnt really go too well as i expected.I never feel so tensed up and stressed out about an examination before.i even tried preparing beforehand,juggling with everyhting,with my homework,tuition,prefefct duties and everything to at least allocate a time to study everyday,which sometimes didnt really worked out,but it seem like everything i did just backfire,nothing went really well during this examination period.First was the BM examination.Goddamn it,i slept at 1 something to read komsas,which the next day i went to school and everyone knew what was coming out already.The trouble i went through.But i comfort myself,thinking never mind at least you are ready,which i have my doubts about it too.When i saw the BM paper 1,i was thinking,ok at least i think i could answer this.Everything went ok for the paper but when i saw the paper 2,i was cursing.The rumusan,tatabahasa and the novel part,i knew what was coming out 10 minutes before the paper, was ok.But the komsas part was plain hard n ridibulous.Why would i want to be Hang Tuah and prevent myself from killing Hang Jebat,and anyway Hang Tuah wanted to kill Hang Jebat not that he was reluctant or anything right?Then Anak Laut came out.I didnt really like this sajak(or whatever is it) to start with,very hard to comprehend this novel,talking about this old fisherman.Then they asked how can the fishermen imrpove their lifestyle?Dude,how am i to know?Im no fisherman,or fisherwoman.Anyway,i doubt they can do anything,they have to depend on other people.
The 2nd day was my English paper.I totally blank out.Whoever who said that government examination are easy.Screw them.The paper was harder than the English paper we usually take.I looked at the question,hoping there would be at least one out of the five question they gave that i have ideas about what to write,but N-O.Nothing.I have nothing to write for all the question,even the directed writing.I didnt know what to do,but i have no choice,time is ticking and im losing precious time.So i started with the directed writing,i wrote it 3 times.Imainge,but i was rather satisfied compared to the other continuous writing.I totally crap my way through the whole paper.I didnt know what to do,but had to start.I picked a random topic and started to write.I was thinking and writing,and the story that i produced was more than farfetched,it was plain absurd.What the hell! then after recess was our paper 2.Lets just say i managed to screw that up too.So much for my A in English.It just went out the window and died on the spot.
Then it was Maths.The third day,well i expected myself to just fly through today,at least it was one of the few A's i could get seeing how this examination is going.We started with paper 2.Damn,was i wrong.I was so stressed during the whole paper.I was ok until i reached the graph part.I like Maths but not anything that got to do with graph,so i spent alot of time drawing the graphs.And there was like so many graphs,and statistics question.I hated graph and statistics,and they had to ask so many question on it.I usually get a little tensed doing graph so when we had to do 3 or is it 4 graph i was in no mood at all.Then there was this question which i totally blanked out.Damn,my mood detoriorated.Then there was this 'min' question which i was counting,pressing the numbers like nobody else business.First time i pressed i got this answer,the next time i tried again,different answer.Then i starting punching in numbers for another 10 tries,and everytime there is this different answer.i was in a major bad moood,whats the use of a calculator if everytime you get a different answer.I felt like throwing my calculator.At last,i found my stupid mistake,i copied the question wrongly.I was like WTF.I hate statistics.Lucky for me,paper 1 was rather easy,and i sailed through it.
Fourth day is add maths.Everyone is like please la,dont you complain,you will probably score in it.But this make me more stressed out,what if i screw up,what if i just blank out,what if i dunno,what if anything.I cant take it if just lose my A.This made me more stressed out.Is like everyone gave me this hope and pressure and if i screwed up the impact on me is worst.i thought i was ready,at least this was the first time i actually did not study add maths last minutes.i started a week before but it was only 3 chapters.Well at least i started but now,somehow add maths didnt go too well.Paper one was ok but paper 2 was a nightmare.Dont want to say much about it,too many things.
Is my competitiveness killing me?I never felt so stressed out,not even when i was sitting my PMR examination and this is only my diagnostik.How am i gonna live through trials and my SPM?
Is it because everyone have this hope on me,expecting me to excel?Is it because i got this standard and i have to keep it?Is it because i am just plain competitive and i want to remain as one of the top?Is it because i cant lose and i am a sore loser?Is it because i just think i can do better?Is it because i have too much expectation on myself and i dont know my limits?I just feel so stressed out.I know i have to work hard,but i am just not in the mood.I was been burning the midnight oil,studying until late night,and the exams just seem to sux.And i dont feel like taking this exam.Firstly because im so not ready and 2nd everyone seems to know what is coming out,so why are we taking this exam?WHY?Whats the point?Sam said we can test our on abilities,who cares about the others?But i seem to care.I have no idea why.
*Struggling to live through this examination period*
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